From a former Redditor:
My wife, Ami (43), and I (44M) have a biological son, Ethan (16), an adopted son, Aiden, and a daughter, Gracie (16, 12). We adopted Aiden and Gracie 10 years ago.
We have been talking about colleges for a while with the boys, and they both want to stay together wherever they go. We have college funds for all three children with the same amount in them, so they will be able to afford to go if they decide to. My mother died and left me a lot of money, and I used it to fund their accounts as I thought this was more important than paying off our mortgage, which we are comfortably paying each month.
The more the boys talk about college, the more Ami gets upset with how much money it’s going to cost. This all ended up in a huge argument between us, with her calling me a AH. She apparently is happy to fund Ethan’s college, but only part of it for Aiden and Gracie. I told her this isn’t fair, as they are all our kids, not just Ethan. He doesn’t mean more just because he has our DNA. I told her it was my inheritance and I can do what I want with it, and I wanted to make sure the kids had a good start to life. She said that she deserves stuff too, and my spending all the money on the kids means she doesn’t get what she wants.
She left a few days ago, and I haven’t heard anything from her. I thought kids didn’t hear the fight, but today Aiden came down and said sorry for causing a fight between us and that he is grateful that I stood up for him and Gracie. My heart went out to him, and I said that I would always stand up for him and that I loved him and Gracie. He said I know, but I’m not sure about mom.
So am I the AH? Should I compromise a bit to keep Ami happy?
UPDATE:
The adoption was her idea, as it was her cousin and his wife who were losing custody of the kids. Sadly, they are no longer with us and haven’t contributed to their upbringing at all.
I work full-time and pay all the mortgage and bills. She works part-time just for something to do. She keeps her money. This was agreed and is not an issue.
The house is in my name as I inherited it from my grandfather. I took out a mortgage to remodel when we adopted the kids.
All three kids are in therapy. Ethan doesn’t necessarily need it, but he felt he was missing out on something, so he goes too. They have group and separate therapy, which was recommended to us.
Ami left a few days ago. She is safe with her sister, but has not contacted us in any way. I hoped she would at least contact the kids, but no. I don’t think I can be with her anymore, as I can’t see how she can repair the relationship with the kids. I think her coming back now will be detrimental to their well-being, and it’s something I can’t risk. In no way will I abandon Ami, though. I love her with all my heart, and if something is going on that I don’t know about, then she needs help, and her family abandoning her is going to cause more harm than good. I am willing to support her, but not be a couple at the moment. If it’s just that she is greedy and selfish, then she can forget about having any kind of relationship with me. I guess I will find out in the next few months.
Also, I don’t think of Ethan as my biological son and Aiden and Gracie as my adopted children. They are all my kids. Biological and adopted aren’t words I use day to day when describing my children. My post was worded this way to make it easier for people to understand. I thought this would have been obvious, but according to the messages I have been getting, apparently not
From a former Redditor:
My wife and I had adopted my niece Katie when she was 3, and when she was 6, we were looking to adopt another child. My wife’s friend introduced us to her sister, Jill, who was also trying to adopt.
About 2 months into being friends with Jill, she found a boy she wanted to adopt, Henry, who was 7 at the time. Jill took Henry out for the day. My wife and I were taking Katie to the park, so we arranged to meet them there. Henry and Katie instantly got on. Henry was a great kid, but very hyper, presumably because he was excited to meet Jill. Jill commented to me that she hadn’t been able to calm Henry down all morning, and asked if we could watch him for a second while she took a breather. We agreed and spent the time talking to Henry, who seemed to fit in well with our existing family dynamic. Eventually, it was time for us all to leave, so we went our separate ways.
Several weeks later, Jill called me to say that the adoption had been rejected by the agency. Apparently, Henry himself had refused it, so the agency had to decline.
A few months after that, Jill found a different child she wanted to adopt and started the process, while we were invited to an open day at a local home, where several prospective parents/families met the kids. When we were there, we saw Henry. We were using the same agency as Jill, and it was a coincidence or luck, depending on how you look at it. Henry remembered us; we still got on great with him, and we ended up adopting him. From what Henry has said, he rejected Jill as she didn’t have a lot of patience and wasn’t willing to work with him, while we were a bit more flexible.
We didn’t tell Jill because at this stage we’d only ever met her twice (once for coffee, and then in the park), and while we’d had some contact with her over text/phone calls, we didn’t know how she’d take this.
We also didn’t tell our friend, but after adopting Henry, we posted an updated family photo on social media, which a different friend shared, and that was how the first friend saw it. She told Jill that we’d adopted him, and Jill replied to our post that she’d considered us friends and we’d adopted “her son” out from under her. We clarified the timeline immediately, but our friends were shocked at us, and we received several messages saying they couldn’t believe we’d done that and saying Henry should essentially be seen as off-limits to us because he’d rejected Jill, some even calling us “greedy.” After all, we already had my niece, while Jill had no kids. We felt that was absurd and ended up blocking most of them, but to this day, whenever we see any of them, they’re still appalled that we adopted Henry, and even the people who supported us joke about us stealing other people’s kids.
From Redditor u/KindRaccoon1:
I (16F) lost my mom when I was 7. My sister was 2 at the time, and my brother was a few months old. Our dad met my stepmom about a year later, started dating her six months after they met (it was a thing for single parents). She had two kids who were close in age to my siblings. After they got married, things were fine at first, and then they wanted to adopt each other’s kids. Her kids were excited, as were my siblings, but I did not want to be adopted. This wasn’t made into a huge deal, but they really quizzed me on why and tried to figure out if they could change my mind. They weren’t able to, and I know this really hurt her feelings.
Over the years, it was let go. They adopted the other kids, and everyone was happy. Or so I thought. It seems like it made them unhappy. I said no to the adoption, and my siblings have wondered why I didn’t want to be adopted, too.
I love my stepmom. I get along with her really well. I think she’s great. But I don’t love her the same as I love my mom or dad. It’s different with her. Not bad, just not as close. And that for me was reason enough not to be adopted. But there’s also the fact that I don’t want my mom’s name erased from everything. I know they’re not trying to replace her, but if I’m adopted, her name is no longer the legal name I put down, it doesn’t change biology, but it does make my stepmom my mom, and no matter how much I care about her I just don’t want her to be my mom in all official senses of the word.
It has come up again because they offered the adoption again, and my answer was the same. My dad decided we needed to go to therapy (the three of us), and the therapist told them they couldn’t therapy me into agreeing. My stepmom said it’s not about that for her; she just wants to know what she did wrong and why I’m opposed. My dad said he feels like I’m holding back, and he said there is an unhappiness with the fact that I have kept myself on the outside by not becoming a more official part of the family unit.
It bothers me. But part of me feels bad that this is something that makes them so unhappy. AITA?